Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
