Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
