Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
