You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he quoted the bible to break up with me
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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