Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
