Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
