You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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