My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
