So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
