I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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