btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
