Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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