I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
