update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
