I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
