I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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