once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
