i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
