I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
