i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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