Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
