am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize