now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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