god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
