Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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