after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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