Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
