Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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