you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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