God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
my liver is dry heaving
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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