I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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