I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I want to be your penis for a week.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
