I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
