Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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