its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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