His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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