I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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