I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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