I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
