first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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