I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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