My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
