What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
