Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
