I'm sorry my penis didn't work
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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