woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
