You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
