i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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