MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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