my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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