I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
