Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
