I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
