I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
