My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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