before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
