I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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