also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
