He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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