Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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